4\20
A day to celebrate Life. Easter.
My wavering anxiety comes in like the breezes that are softly warming my skin. Finally, something warming my skin. Something.
Take it slow my mind tells me, breathe deeply my heart tells me. And if there were no sky then maybe I wouldn’t survive.
What’s real is everything. To be anything in the whole world this is it– that’s why I’m here.
Deflect your bad thoughts deflect what’s the demon inside of you this wavering hell.
That got extreme quickly, but like I’ve said before demons will try and shit in your brain to take everything good away from you. The greatest gold in the whole world is contentment. Sometimes we don’t receive it too often. I think my minds discombobulating because of because of because of Fuck. I’m fine.
This breeze is so nice.
It’s Christmas , it has been filled with joy and sadness. Year after year I see my mother struggle. I now see constant struggles in not only her life but many others. It seems as though people are very unhappy because they have put themselves in that position. Baby birds leaving the nest. Chameleons changing their camouflage. Old goats that have aged into billy goats gruff, and how about that Doe that lost her kin as she roams alone? Our family is a mass of change redefined by our minds and memories. Our home is now a house. As for me, it seems my habitat is my sea of covers and shaded light, in the night, far away, and out of sights. Ah, I’d say I’m an animal that has yet to be born, I suppose I’ve been observing for way too long.
Today was weird. I took adderall and it didn’t make me happy, only robotic at work. I have so much to figure out the rest of this month. I need to see what summer courses I need to take, courses for next semester, and three exams of mine are tomorrow. On top of all this I may need to tell my job that I’m leaving for the summer. I am leaving for Wakarusa in two weeks with the girls, something I also need to figure out. In due time, things will come together and the plan will be more clear. I need to find a new job in Oconomowoc too because I’m moving back in about two weeks. On top of all this, Steve slept over because we had a bunch of people over. The sex was amazing minus the fact I was too drunk to reach my orgasm and caity and Ben were passed out on my bed…lol. It’s weird how we show up in each others lives now and again. For 7 or 8 years I’ve known him and we continue to passively hookup. It just keeps getting better and better though. This time if things progress, I know how to respond, I know how to not envelope myself in such a deep and vulnerable way. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. There is always room for love in my life and companionship. When things get sticky and I feel cornered, I won’t be afraid to back out, and at the same time I know of what to not let myself get in to. Forever learning and trying to not make the same mistakes, but sometimes we are not subjected to change. I think sometimes we might never learn, like our flaws are decoded in our DNA and it would be impossible to rid of them. That’s alright though because I think life would be hella fucking boring if everybody was the same. All in all, my head hurts, I can’t sleep, my throat hurts, and I’m just trying to let everything be. I’m only human I can only do so much at a time and I can only act upon my thoughts. If you want something in life, reach out and grab it. Love Sarah xo.
So here I am I am one in a billion. Close to have lived twenty years on this planet. Some call it heaven, some call it hell, I’m not quite certain of its purpose. We’re all floating and finding, breathing, some praying, others complaining, and I feel like my purpose has yet to be found. I feel uneasy with who I am because I feel uneasy with who I want to be. I have it so god damned easy…if I could predict my life this is how it would go…I’d graduate school with some sort of degree, fall in love, make babies, adopt. Before all of this though I want to volunteer, make something of myself, help, because everyone’s crying for help, everyone’s dying to be loved. Right now my main thoughts are…does he still love me?? Does you know who still think about me?? Does it matter?? Fuck. I want to be something big I can feel it in my veins it flows like the goddamned Nile, maybe that’s what I need to see before I die. My skins tan and I’m semi happy…ok I lied I am happy. I’m happy with the knowledge that I have everything ill ever need and I’m everything I’ve ever wanted with the burden of having flaws because nobody’s perfect and I’m way way way too hard on myself. If I could just let it go, if I could just learn to be and feel free than maybe I wouldn’t have such a hard time loving myself. Is that it? Is that my problem? Or maybe I love everyone too much and that’s where all my love fades too. But, I call bullshit I call that in holding back and can’t learn to find peace or I’m just am Unaccepting of it. So will I wade thru life with these inbetween moments with some ups and some downs pushing thru the current getting water in my ears the worst feeling ever wanted to scream because I’m alive but only semi alive, or is this waterinmyear pain what’s really telling me I’m alive and we all feel it, the torture of being alive of loving and leaving, seeing what’s real and what’s not, but everything’s real, it’s all real, real as it gets. Connections art thoughts nature space the weird the awkward the silence the noise it’s here it won’t leave so chug along my friend, you think too hard and laugh too little, my 80 year old self is telling me…breathe, and be, and laugh, and cry, and fuck anyone who doesn’t like you. fuck them all.